i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
