no, he came in my armpit
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
