Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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