What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
