Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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