I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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