I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
