She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We left an ass print on the piano.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
