Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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