i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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