Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
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You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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