Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
