My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
