The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
