Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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