just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think my mom watched the whole time
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
