Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have already put on my inside pants.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
