I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize