I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
