I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
