: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
