Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
