I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
