Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
