I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
