There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
