Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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