i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
