i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
