i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
