I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
