You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
