do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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