I wish my penis had an off switch
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
