And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
