Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
