How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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