When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
