I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so let's talk penis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
