I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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