Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
