I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
