idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
