I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
