and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Two words: nipple clamps
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