i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
