I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
