Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
