Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
