"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
