Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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