I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
