i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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