so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
