I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
