ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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