So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
