dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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