Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
