i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
well you can't waste a boner
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
