Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
