She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What a dumb baby whore.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
